Before we dive in, I do wanna say… if this title made your panties immediately find themselves in a bunch, it’d be a good idea to abort this light-hearted read right about now. And if you feel compelled to comment below, please know that any homophobic bullshit will be met with sarcasm, and will not result in any reevaluation of my moral principles.
Around here, it’s YOU who is outnumbered.
So, in a genuine gesture of mutual respect, let’s all give the haters a chance to unfollow me, block me, and get that obligatory private message that says, “I can’t condone your views…” out of the way. Get it out of your system and then kindly fuck off.
Now, I didn’t intentionally set out to make a hoard of gay buddies. Had I been made aware of the benefits way back when, I would have made a point of doing so. In any case, my inner circle of brothas-from-otha-mothas happen to be rainbow friendly. And let me tell you, having some gay bros around is FUCKING SPECTACULAR. For a lot of reasons. But for the sake of keeping this blog short enough to read while you take a shit… I’ve narrowed it down to 3.
Reason #1: WOMEN.
Maybe you’re the single type who knows your way around your neighborhood bars… you’ve got a decent collection of designer cologne and you have a few dance moves in your back pocket that will score you points with ladies and you might even be smooth enough to get some phone numbers.
Awesome! High five.
How’s that going for ya? If you’ve got this system down and think life is peaches, god bless ya.
But if you’re even the slightest bit fatigued of the same conversations with the same girls with the same daddy-issues and the same 12 psycho ex boyfriends… ya need to get yourself some gay friends. Let me elaborate this one:
In my experience, the good girls hang with the gay guys.
These are the girls who value a good glass of wine, some smart conversation, they don’t judge the shit out of people (something only shallow bitches do- you know that, right?) They know how to dress, obviously, because their crew won’t let them leave the house in yesterday’s bullshit, and they like to have FUN but DON’T WANT TO DO IT WHILE GRINDING WITH RANDOM DUDES.
And if YOU’RE the straight GUY that’s already friends with the gay community… and they will VOUCH FOR YOU… The girl is yours.
**If you think I’m full of shit, zoom in on my fiancé. She’s amazing and you bet your ass we were set up by a bunch of giggling gays.**
Reason #2: They are a fucking riot.
Have you BEEN to a gay bar??? They have the BEST music, KILLER drink specials, everyone’s in a great mood and you’re virtually never going to get smoked in the back of the head by a flying beer bottle due to a 20-person bar brawl that just broke out. And yeah… I’ll say it: I saw a man do a backflip in heels once- Drag Queens are some of the most impressive athletes I’ve ever fucking seen.
Sidebar- The insight into pop-culture and having an interpreter to explain to you just what the fuck it means to “throw shade on a bitch” has been reason enough for me to keep these boys around.
Take it from someone who has spent many a happy-hour in the neon glow of a gay bar with my girl on one arm and my gay BFF on the other… if you’ve never gone out drinking with your gay pals, you are missing out on an alternate universe of fun.
(Haven’t you ever just wanted to bust a move to that Britney song but NEVER would, lest ye be judged?? Bust away, tiny dancer.)
Reason #3: They’ll tell you when you fucked up.
If you have too many drinks and blow it with a great girl who really likes you, you’re waking up to some colorful messages. The next time you’re stomping around after a fight with your lady, they’ll break it down sesame street style so you know exactly where she’s coming from. If you try to get away with wearing plaid everyday, you’re gonna fuckin hear about it. If you go weeks without tending to your facial hair, somebody’s gonna tell you to clean your shit up. If you try to spend your money like an asshole, they’re gonna call you on it.
Basically, their intuitive commentary on life choices is PRECISELY what every small-town-america dude needs.
The way I see it, you’ve got two options: you can be open to the possibility that any and everyone has the potential to be the best fucking friend in the universe, regardless of what they’re into… OR you can have your mind already made up about huge populations of people you’ve never met… ya know, like a douchebag.
And besides… it’s the fuckin holidays…
…we’re all a little gay right now.